is it really the "best policy"

I'll start by admitting that I'm not in a good state of mind. I think I'm feeling hurt.... by my hopes. 

Two months. I had a lot of hope wrapped in those two summer months.

Most people would think two months sounds like an incredibly long time to rest, build strength, and get better. Sitting here in bed tonight, I'm exhausted, overwhelmed with pain, and reflecting on the week. That doesn't make for a very good combination. I feel like this summer was a joke or even a bad prank. I don't even have students yet and I'm barely fighting my way through the work days. I should be so much better than this. After all the effort, the medicine, the labwork and tests, the days at National Jewish, the intense focus on nothing but getting stronger and healthier, I should be, well, "stronger & healthier". Much stronger & healthier. I shouldn't be fighting back tears in a meeting because of the radiating pain shooting through my legs and arms. I shouldn't be so exhausted that I feel like my body will crumble. I shouldn't feel the overwhelming need, yes NEED to lie to people when they ask how I'm feeling. I should be strong and healthy enough to get through a day without wondering how it's going to happen.

So no, I'd have to say that I'm realizing honesty might not be the best policy for me. I don't feel better when I'm open and honest about how I'm doing. I don't feel relief when I admit the pain I'm experiencing. I don't feel better when I tell about my latest test or lab results. I feel like a burden. I feel like a failure. I feel whiny. I feel weak. I feel lazy. I feel incompetent. I feel like a disappointment. I feel annoying. I feel alone.

I hope one day I'll know what it's like to be well. I truly believe those days are around the corner. I believe it WILL happen. Today though, I'm hurting. I'm feeling defeated by my body. I'm struggling to see how I'll even make it through Monday, much less make it through all of next week. I'm struggling to envision how I will make it through Project Baby Rambo. How will I make it through another year if I'm part of the 50% in the clinical trial that doesn't get the IL5 treatment?

How can I pick up the pieces of myself, stand up, smile, and do what I need to do? Pain is so destructive. I pray that I can focus on my faith in the Grace of God and push through. I pray that this pain is a flare and it will ease soon. I pray for stronger and healthier days in which it will be easy to be honest.