A Personal Visit

After a long day in the hospital of trying to breathe and dealing with a life changing move I heard a comforting voice at the door, "Hellllloooo?"

It was Dr. Olson. Mom had left over an hour earlier and I hadn't even noticed that my room had gotten so dark. I sat up and flipped on the light from my bed control as I welcomed her in. She pulled a chair up very close to my bed and asked how I was feeling. Her eyes were so sincere. I was at a loss for words. I felt myself fumbling to answer her, wanting to revert to my default "alright" setting but as I looked at her eyes I felt like I was made of glass. She could see right through me and already knew how I was feeling. She wasn't asking for small talk, she was asking because she wanted to hear me talk. At that moment I realized she had come to the hospital just for me. She made herself comfortable in the chair, but was still very attentive. She stayed for a long time asking me questions and explaining what she, Dr. Katial, and Dr. Maleki have been thinking and discussing this week. She talked to me about everything from how prednisone makes me feel to how moving to Denver will impact me financially. She shared her frustrations with my lack of improvement over time and her ideas for helping me. Before she left, she reminded me of my strong coping mechanisms that have kept me alive at times and hurt me at other times. She told me that as far as thinking about school/work/teaching and getting back to what I consider "normal" next year, I should stop for now. For now, she doesn't want me anywhere near a school or students and she wants me put next year into the "deal with it later pile". Those words pierced right through me like a knife. The initial pain was agonizing. This is hard enough deserting my kids, my job, my work for the rest of this year, but to think about deserting it next year too, even forever??? But if I am anything, I am disciplined and obedient. I am a fighter and I know how to cope. It's what my body does. So if Dr. Olson wants me to put this out of my mind, that is what I must do. God has placed her in the lead position for my care for a reason. I trust her and I know I have plenty of other things to face right now. This personal visit was a gift. Honestly, I think we both needed it in certain ways. I am anxiously looking forward to the wonderful Good that's about to unfold.

dealing with the matters at hand ~ letting my coping mechanisms step up

As Mom and drove over to Rose Medical Center ER, I was still struggling for breath, but it wasn't as severe. Our drive was quiet. We had both just been slammed with a lot to process. I admired the sparkling flakes of snow blowing through the sunny Denver sky as I made a mental list of important next steps.

Before I walked into the ER, I glanced up and thanked God for His plan and all the miracles that were unfolding in my life today. I stepped through the doors prepared to muster all of my strength so I could be strong for Mom and deal with all the challenges that were about to coincide with God's plan.

I worked on cancelling our plane tickets as soon as I pulled myself together from the student butchering my veins for his IV education :). The hold time was an unbelieveable thirty minutes and after getting through I was transferred from one airline to another just to start all over again. Unfortunately, the process had to be completed over the phone. I gave Mom the number to take care of the rental car. Two minutes before departure time our tickets were cancelled! Talk about down to the wire! It was done though. I just needed to get a letter from the hospital verifying the emergency to waive the cancellation fees. The next matter at hand was to find a reasonable hotel room for Mom. I am excited to say that my weak voice and hospital status not only scored a reasonable suite, but the deal of the century! I was focused and things were falling into place. Mom was calling friends and family to share the big news but I wasn't ready. I needed to have a few more things in place before I could handle putting this into words. All the while my nurses, therapists, and doctors were in and out doing their thing to get me back on track.

I contacted Rich about renting one of his apartments through the summer. He has been amazing to me. He offered the last two bedroom apartment to me, completely furnished with all utilities included. The apartment is only two blocks from National Jewish. It couldn't have worked out better. Things are going to be very tight because I'll be renting in Denver and still owning my house in Lexington. Dr. Olson already told me I won't be able to work for quite a while, but I have some savings I can live on. I've asked Debbie's daughter to consider subletting my house for $300 per month. That won't come close to my mortgage, but every bit will help and my house won't be empty. I felt like a robot processing information, but it was amazing to watch all the blessings fall into place.

Finally it was time to address work and friends. Leaving work. Just thinking the two words made me feel like I was jabbing a dull knife through my broken heart. I would have to ask for even more sick days than I've already been so graciously given and I would be abandoning the students I have a duty to teach. As far as my friends and co-workers it was so important to me that many of them hear it from me rather than from hallway gossip. I called Karen first to address the medical leave matters and share the news. Then I felt like I was in a race trying to get messages to my other dear friends before they had a chance to hear it from someone else. Everyone was so supportive and loving but a little broken at the same time. Leaving is going to be so hard, but it's my only option. It's long overdue and has to be done. I just have to focus on the good that will come from this leap. These superhero doctors are being used by God to change my life for the better.

It's been about 30 hours since this life changing event took hold. Wow!! I still have a lot to deal with, but the foundation is set. The doctor just left and was disappointed with my progress. I guess my body hasn't had much of a chance to focus on healing since I've been in here. That will come though. I think I'll take a little time now and just let things be.