The hits came in droves today. Of course we all know that's just how it works in life. I put every ounce of my effort into hiding the evidence from the blows when people were around throughout the day.
It all started with finding out that the message I left for Dr. Olson last Thursday (& the nurse posted as urgent) was never filed. That means I've been waiting seven long days for a response to something that never existed! Seriously!? You've got it, there flowed my first tears of frustration. It's not like I was asking for Tic Tacs ~ this really is important stuff. The medical leave paperwork from central office expires in eight more days. Seven days were just completely wasted because of a lost message - ugh -frustration. Deep breath though, nothing can be done about that now. This nurse took my message and promised to hand deliver it to Marsha (Dr. Olson's nurse on Kaci's day off).
The next blow came when Marsha called. She said Dr. Olson probably would not be calling me because she didn't have the results from the EMG. I was so ready to have a complete and total meltdown but instead I just froze. Marsha sensed the tension and repeated herself. I tried to compose my shaking voice and simply replied, "What is an EMG? I didn't know I needed to do that??" She could tell I was upset and probably had no idea why. It turns out Dr. Olson talked with Dr. Thompson last Monday night after she talked to me. She asked him to order an EMG and another test on me asap and get the results to her. These tests would help to rule out Churg Strauss and solidify the treatment options. I didn't know she needed these tests and he hasn't done anything to make it happen. I can't even describe how betrayed I felt. It was as if Dr. Thompson's negligence was delaying my medical treatment - the treatment I've been waiting and hoping for for so many years now. It is so close and I'm only 2 tests away. He couldn't just place those orders last week? Would that have been so hard to do? I just don't get it? Why is everything so complicated?
I am guessing after Marsha talked with me Dr. Olson realized she probably should give me a call even without those results. She called around 7:20 but it wasn't a heartwarming conversation. She let me know that Dr. Katial could not find any options for getting the IL5 treatment for me. This was hard to hear. I told her about the possibility of medical leave and she said it might not make a difference. :( For now, assuming the nerve conduction test results are negative, they are looking at using the second treatment option, hydroxyurea. It's an older medicine that isn't quite as successful as IL5 but still very good. It also has a long list of pretty severe side effects. I'm not sure how they compare to the side effects of steroids, but it's just frustrating to think of trading one problem for another without gaining much benefit.
Finally, the last punch that knocked me down for the count was the medicine. It's a little thing after losing hope for IL5 but it was enough to make me give in. Tomorrow I have to start back on the meds that were making me so sick for the last two weeks. I have a respiratory infection but my stomach has been pain free since I finished the meds on Saturday! Maybe it won't be so bad this time though. That's what I'm gonna hope for...
This is what I know... Today is proof that I'm not strong enough on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He carried me through today. I did "get through" but I'm definitely down for the count. But, tomorrow, I will get up again. I'll smile at everyone I pass. I'll wake up believing and knowing this is all for good and it's all part of a greater plan. I'll keep moving forward and keep getting up again and again.
