A bad attitude, submission, indifference, exhaustion?????

Well, I honestly can't explain, but I feel like it's time I write about it. Since the big diagnosis phone call there has been a pretty big change in me...slightly gradual...but at this point...significant. All in all, I guess the best way to be blunt about it is to say that I really don't care anymore...about much. Now I want to be clear and straight with the me down the road that looks back on this...I truly don't feel I don't care ~ depressed it's more of an indifference or done with this huge fight that I've been battling for~so~freaking~long. For example, I'm done fighting to eat when the thought of food makes me feel sick. I'm done trying to convince labs, doctors' offices, and such to share information, do tests, and schedule appointments. I'm done hoping results will be ready or even sunnier. I'm done sharing bad news with family and friends that hurt for me. I'm done trying to make good choices because I think it will make a difference. I'm done caring for a little while. I'm done dealing. I'm done trying to sleep. I'm done waking up short of breath. I'm done hurting, aching, and having muscle cramps all the time. I'm done hoping or believing that this next thing is going to work or make a difference. I done with the nots and the limits. I know, I know as much as anyone that it's not that bad. Things could and can be so much worse. I know that. I don't like to complain. I can't stand complaining. Even though this is a rant of my thoughts - it's less of a string of complaints and more of an explanation of how and why I feel indifferent. Maybe my body has coped and held itself together for so long being in a state of the unknown that when I finally got the diagnosis it just kind of let go. All those years of effort in holding myself together released in a kind of submission to finally having an end...and answer. As I said, I don't know the reason, all I know is I feel different, I don't know that it's necessarily good. Maybe after I get back out to Denver and start treatment I'll start feeling positive and stronger again. For now though, bad attitude, submission, exhaustion, I don't know...what I know is that I have an overwhelming feeling of I just don't care anymore. I'm just done for a while.