I’m pretty sure this has been the hardest back to school
week I’ve ever tried to push through. The pain has been unrelenting. I don’t
even know how to describe it. It has been constant and exhausting. I have no
idea how I will make it through five regular work days next week. I’m
overwhelmed with those horrible feelings of not doing my job like I want and
not being a helpful or present colleague. It’s beyond exhausting to “pretend”
through each day just trying to seem okay.
I pray this flare will subside and the pain will ease….. soon.
On top of all that comes with “back to school” we’ve also
been dealing with a sort of loss. Our dream to have a baby, our own, biological
baby, isn’t going to happen. All I can write at this point is that it hurts.
It’s a deep, awful, hurt. I know though, that it is right. I know we will
grow stronger together through this, but I know it will take time.
As if that isn’t quite enough for one little week, we’ve
known something has been going on with my labs. We’ve known it must not be
good. The news was quite different than we expected. A nurse I do not know
called right after dismissal Wednesday and said she needed to schedule an
appointment for me with Dr. Kern because they think I might have chronic kidney
disease. There was no more information. She scheduled the appointment for
September 5th and said good-bye.
That’s a load to drop a person in passing. The prognosis for
chronic kidney disease isn’t exactly full of hope. Thinking back, I’m wondering
why this nurse even mentioned it. It’s not Dr. Olson’s style to discuss bad
possibilities before we know more. My mind has been all over the place. One
minute I’m scared and thinking about what this could mean for our future. The
next minute I’m angry and frustrated. The next minute I’m ready to fight it
with all I am.
Right now, I know that all I can deal with is what I know.
Getting through each day in pain is enough. I know that I am loved. I know that
we can and will rise up and fight hard to beat any obstacle my body or this
world presents. I also know that as hard as it has been to get through this
week, I can still see the rainbow. I have been given the gift of 23 beautiful
second graders who need me this year. They are my reminder that I am needed and
I have a lot more to do before this body is finished.
