Little tiny, crumbly, messy pieces - that's what I feel I've turned into. I'm having such a hard time hanging on to positive me. I'm still here, I'm just in a bit of a rut. I'm sure I just need to get it out, then I'll be able to take a deep (well, maybe not deep...) breath and get back on track. So here goes, full force, honest, from the gut---release.
Work - it's so hard to explain what teaching means to me. It's so much more than a job or even a career - it's my purpose and my passion. When I had to go on medical leave and had to face the possibility of not being able to continue my days in the classroom covered in germs, ideas, and hugs, I was devastated. It made me even more determined and more passionate about my work. Now that I'm back at it, it is truly wonderful - a wonderful dream come true. The crushing factor is that I've started over in a new state, in a new school, with new everything. I had to give up my team, my reputation, my support system, my experience, and in some ways - my success to come to Colorado and fight for my health. It was the right decision. I would do it all over again. That doesn't make it any easier. The effort that it takes my body and my spirit to fight through each work day astonishes me. It completely frustrates me. It's only by the grace of God that I make it through. By noon (& sometimes way before) I feel like my body is crumbling in on me. The pain in my bones, lungs, and muscles brings me to tears when I can steal a free moment. The worry that consumes me (a non-worrier) is ridiculous. I fear having to be absent when I don't have sick days. I fear seeming incompetent. I fear seeming annoying and weak to colleagues and families who don't know my fight. I fear being a burden to people who hardly know me. Most of all, I fear not being able to give my students all they deserve.
Friends - this is a biggie. I have never felt as sad as I have this year. It is almost like I've been grieving the loss of my friends. I feel so alone at times. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Lee. He truly is my best friend. He is my rock. I see him texting, talking to, and making plans with his friends and I long to have that again. I understand that it's tough to maintain a long distance friendship. I also understand that it's tough to open a comfortable friendship circle to new people. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make me miss friends any less.
Money - this one is obvious...insurance out of pocket, prescriptions, lost pay from missing days at work. It's all part of it. I've dealt with it for years. I suppose it's normal though if just once in a while I wish I could spend all that money on something else.
Failure - I'm a new wife and I'm lacking in so many ways. My heart hurts because I am constantly thinking of wonderful surprises or ways to show my love for Lee, but then I can't follow through because I get sick or don't have the strength. It pains me when we have to cancel or change plans because I am sick or don't have the strength. I feel like I am failing the one who is so dear to me. I also feel like I'm failing my doctors at National Jewish. I do everything, believe me, truly everything they ask or suggest and continue to get worse or have bad lab results. I try so hard to get better, to be well and I feel like I just keep failing. It's such an overwhelming and frustrating feeling.
Shew! Okay! I know in my head and even in my heart that I'm letting my frustrations overwhelm me. I'm letting exhaustion take over and losing sight of the real me. I've let myself be buried and almost lost sight of myself. It's okay. It is okay and it will be okay. I have a hope and a future. I DO know that this is and will be all for good. I know my life, the life I'm living right now is purposeful and incredible. I am a living, walking miracle and the love I feel daily is a priceless gift. I am thankful for everything about my now. I am me because of my journey and I am thankful.
I just need to remind myself that I'm human. I will fall to pieces from time to time. I will become overwhelmed and frustrated. I will lose sight of my optimism. I will fail. I will also get stronger and experience incredible miracles along the way.
