The First Day of School! This is the eleventh time I've been on the teacher side of those words (12th if you count student teaching). This year was the first year ever (in my school life) that I was filled with dread though. I guess that proves that doing something to save your own life doesn't necessarily mean your heart will be on board with the plan...my heart is still in the classroom. No amount of reasoning or logic has been able to sway it yet. I'm hoping time help...and hopefully sooner than later. I really hoped I'd be handling this a lot better by the time school rolled around.
My stomach was still hurting quite a bit and my peak flows have been pretty low. I was in my little room doing all I could to get myself in the mindset of "I'm completely okay" when a teacher walked in. She was complaining about getting a new student last minute who she knew had been a behavior problem in my class two years earlier. I stood there, listening to her complain about a child she didn't know. I calmed her down, reminded her he is older & how much he improved while I had him, & how lucky she is to get a student we know ~ all the while I was crumbling inside with jealousy, anger, and sadness. I was hating myself for being sick and wishing more than anything that I could be his teacher again.
I am thankful beyond measure for Debbie. I know it wasn't her only reason, but I know that she chose me to help in the office with transportation tags on the first day because she knew I wasn't ready to handle facing the kids, parents, and void of my own room. It was a true gift. I was so busy from the first bell to the last that I hardly had a chance to realize where I was. Tomorrow, I'll be ready to face the giants. I am thankful for this job. My heart just needs time to get on board with it. I'm all about making the most of things. I just haven't handled this "limit" that has been placed on my career very gracefully. I'm working on it though...I'm working on it.
