Knowing something is right in your heart does not make it easy. I am thankful though, that I have had the courage in my life to leap. I actually think it's kind of my thing. Whenever God has presented me with a path, I have had an indescribable ability to just believe. Looking back on my life I realize that an incredible sense of peace has always accompanied those biggest decisions.
Lee and I wanted to have a biological baby. We wanted to try surrogacy. It wasn't right. We knew God had a plan. We knew we would adopt our perfect baby. We held hands and we believed.
I hate the process of adoption. It's horrible. It's confusing. It's painful. It's emotional beyond understanding. It's exhausting. It's scary. No, wait, it's terrifying. It's a roller coaster. It's frustrating. It's not fair. It's misunderstood. It's expensive. It's really hard.
It's right. It's our Good. It's amazing.
In less than six weeks, Lee and I could be holding our baby in our arms. We've been chosen. I am already truly, madly, deeply in love with this baby. He holds a place in my heart that is growing bigger every day. He already brings unexpected smiles to my face out of the blue.
I have always believed there was good in my journey. I have always believed God had a plan. I never even dreamed I would be so blessed to get to experience so much of the good.
I'm all in on this. I'm more scared than I have ever been. My heart feels raw from the journey. My instinct is to raise the walls and detach from the experience until it seems safe. I can't though. I deserve to experience every part of this process. It is all part of the future me. All of my leaps have brought me to this point. I truly, madly, deeply believe in the good.
