the END of anorexia :)

Oh what a great day! I feel like I've been validated. I know I have a great relationship with my doctors and they can tell that I am honest with them. It's just been so hard knowing that this crazy weight issue has NOTHING to do with my self image and trying to get them to know that's sincere. I've watched the concern on Dr. Olson's face as she checks my weight in the computer. It's heartbreaking. I understand that she only has my health & best interest in mind. I get that. That's why I understood when she had to send me to EDC (the Eating Disorder Center of Denver). Don't get me wrong ~ I was devastated & felt like a failure, but I did understand.

That was the beginning of my victory! I met with a counselor there for about an hour. At the end of the appointment she looked me in the eyes and said she had no idea what was going on with my body, but I did NOT fit any of the criteria for an eating disorder.

Wooooooo  Hoooooooo!! Don't you know I was sooooooo relieved! Now we can FINALLY move forward and focus on problems that are actually REAL!!

All in all nothing has changed with my weight, my appetite, or interest in food in any way. The victory lies completely in the fact that I have officially been labeled NOT Anorexic!

muscle cramps oh my!

My body certainly has a way of throwing curveballs. Just as things are improving with my breathing and my doctors are on course to figure out the syncope problem ~ another symptom starts screaming for attention. I've noticed for the last month that my previously tolerable muscle cramps have been worsening. Crystal, my PT, and Dr. Fenster both have suggested possible remedies for the problem. I've been through each (potassium, magnesium, quinine) only to notice the muscle cramps continue to worsen.

This week has been the worst. Wednesday at rehab, after only a couple of reps on the pilates bench, my calf started cramping again. Crystal started massaging that muscle and the chain reaction started again. Next, the muscles in my side were pulling, then the other muscles in both legs, and on to my arms and back. It was so severe that one of the other PTs tried a procedure called needling. As she inserted the needles into my cramping calf muscle everything seemed to intensify. Apparently this isn't how the muscles are supposed to react to this procedure. She quickly removed the needles as the spasms were unrelenting all over my body. They asked me to stand in hopes of stretching some of the muscles and relieving the pain. As soon as I stood up I felt a flush of heat & nausea rush through me. The room started to blacken and before I could react I was out. When I came to, Crystal was standing over me with intense concern in her eyes. She insisted that it was time to call Dr. Olson.

Rehab wasn't much better Today. The spasms have been almost nonstop creating very achy, sore muscles. It's getting harder to handle and ignore. Dr. Olson called this afternoon to let me know she's ordered labs and is scheduling an appointment with Dr. Maleki. She seems to think it's mostly likely related to the Churg Strauss or something else rheumatalogical. For now, I'm supposed to stop all exercise and limit physical activity as much as possible. Hopefully they'll have an answer for me soon.

Uh~uh, that has to be wrong???

Today was one of those days that I just wasn't prepared for what the doctor would tell me.

"You have seizure disorder."

What?! I was so confused. I've been having seizures??? How crazy is that?! I didn't even know how to respond. I was honestly relieved to have a diagnosis that could be treated, but so perplexed at the same time.

Dr. Round had reviewed the EEG and says it is clear that I have seizure disorder. He believes it is the source of my syncope and blurry vision episodes. He also believes it is connected to the Churg Strauss. The great news is that he believes Keppra (an anti-seizure medicine) will be the perfect solution. I'll start the new meds tomorrow and should notice improvement within the next couple of weeks.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?
Seriously?

I know I'm strong. And I know it's because of the Grace of God. I know my life is a gift and God does have a plan for me. I know I have outstanding doctors fighting for me daily. I also know I have a huge cast of family, friends, and even strangers praying for me constantly. What I don't understand, is what is truly wrong with me? Throughout this journey, I've never really been one to ask why or to look back in anger. That's sincere. I believe I am me because of my journey and experiences. I really wouldn't change things. What's bothering me now is not the big picture or the daily pain or trials... it's me. Why does my body react the way it does? I really want to know what's wrong with me?

I was told my IQ a long time ago. I know I'm an intelligent person. I can't stand the way I feel like a total idiot when a doctor asks me why I'm losing weight. I don't have an answer. I eat. That's the truth. I eat everything the nutritionist has asked me to eat. I don't know what's wrong with me?? I don't know why I can walk up and down the isles of the grocery store and not find a single thing that looks enticing even when I'm hungry. I don't have an answer. But I know that even though I have no interest, I do the right thing. I eat.

I also don't know why my body continues to be so weak when I take every medicine, go to every appointment, and push myself to exercise daily. I don't know why it seems that when one problem gets under control a new problem surfaces. I just don't know the answers.

I do know that I'm tired, but somehow still hopeful. I know that for so long I've wanted people to be my friend and not be scared of me. I want people to be able to love me without having to constantly worry about my health.

This is one of those days that I'd just like to have some answers. I'm exhausted and for once I'd just like something to make sense.

time to face reality

Time to face it for sure. I need to take a deep breath, gather my strength, and do what I know is best for me. Yep, I said it, ME. It's time to make this real, believe that everyone will understand this is where I need to be, and acknowledge what I've known for a while.

 Denver is where I need to live.

Dr. Olson and I spoke at length today and she was quite blunt with me. (I guess she knew I needed that.)  Things aren't going to be any different if I go back to Lexington right now. Honestly, everyone who knows me has been thinking the same thing ~ just afraid to speak it. The same old cycle will start all over again. I won't be able to be the teacher I want to be, I'll continue to miss days, and everyone I love will continue to worry that one day soon, I'll push my body too far.

Yes, it's tough. Are you kidding? It's really tough. I have an entire state of people supporting me, but I'm here, 1400 miles away alone with my dog. But now I'm finally taking this leap of faith. That's actually what makes it easier to handle though. I know... completely and totally KNOW deep down that this is right. Denver is exactly, undoubtedly where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I have no ill thoughts about how long this has taken or the road I've traveled to get here. That was all necessary ~ part of me & my story. I really wouldn't change a thing. On that note though, I don't want to miss another thing. I refuse to let fear stop me from enjoying this beautiful life. I know everything is going to be good and it will completely outweigh the hard times.

This decision opens the door to new hope. Maybe I'll be able to teach again...in a classroom, exercise whenever I want without pain, have the family I've always dreamed about, and bring joy to my loved ones rather than worry.

I'm officially moving to Denver.

Life with eCardio

The bright side is that I'm not in the hospital anymore! So woo hoo to that tid bit of news! My release was conditional though. In order to be released I had to agree to wear a lovely heart monitor for the next thirty days. Oh yes - that's no typo, I said 30 days!!! The reality is that they seem to believe whatever is going on with my heart and these episodes of syncope & dizziness are nothing to sneeze at. So, this is what needs to happen to monitor my heart and treat the problem. I can get behind that.

Not without a little humor though. :)  Seriously, let me describe this lovely thing. It's like a mini fanny pack or those fabulous man-satchels you see on all the most fashionable hips with cell phones secured safely in place. I feel like Robo-Cop with all the freaky wires protruding from my body. I mean come on, this thing is something to behold & I get to enjoy it for thirty days. Then, to make it even funnier, when my heart does decide to be bizarre or "have and event" as the doctors prefer to say, this crazy alarm goes off that makes Jackson bury his head! It's quite comical!

Anyhow, today is only day three with my friend eCardio. I'm sure the next 27 days will be filled with fun times, great memories, and most importantly (hopefully) good medical information.

Syncope ~ a fun word for a not so fun event

Wow, talk about a big blow. I admit, I'm really spiraling here. I'm back in the hospital less than a week after being released. I'm feeling undescribably alone. And worst of all, I feel like I'm losing any last grip that I had on beating this stuff and having a normal life soon. I know that sounds ridiculously pessimistic and dismal, but seriously, I've had enough.

I knew I seemed to be having more trouble than usual bouncing back from being in the hospital. I was just feeling so weak and run down all the time. I had no stamina. Saturday I passed out a couple of times. I know looking back now, I should have known better. I should have realized something was wrong, but I didn't. I honestly attributed it to my weakness and the hospital and assumed it was a passing thing. Sunday, I started to black out a few times, but never lost consciousness. The dizzy & light-headed events continued to happen for the next few days. In my appointment with Dr. Olson she could tell I wasn't 100% so she questioned me until I finally told her what had been happening. Of course, it was a huge deal to her. She ordered several tests and ran down to talk with Dr. Fenster.

My EKG was abnormal. The information still baffles me, but basically the intervals were too short and it did show on repeated tests. My ENO was also still in the 100s which really bothered me since I was just in the hospital on loads of IV steroids. What's the deal with my body?! Anyhow, when Dr. Olson came back in the room, she seemed very concerned. She told me they were sending me back to the hospital for tests and observation and there was no other safe option. :( 

Honestly, I do love the outstanding level of medical care I receive here. I know this is where I need to be and they have my best interests in mind. Right now, sitting in this bed on this unusually painful IV, with my head spinning and all these monitors hooked to me, I'm really hating my body...

NO, No, nononononono...

Well, I guess in all honesty I should've seen this coming, but for some reason I didn't this time. My health has been declining again for the past couple of weeks. My peak flows have been dropping, my ENO has been increasing, my cortisol levels have increased, and my lung function has declined. It wasn't "Ketucky bad" though. I guess that's where my head was. I was remembering that it could be worse and just focusing on dealing with how bad it was getting now. Dr. Olson didn't see it that way of course (thankfully). She did all she could for me in the office and gave my body the afternoon to take the meds and fight. When things didn't work, there was no arguing with her about the importance of immediate hospitalization. The good news is that she knows her stuff. I continued to decline at a faster rate and by the time I was in the hospital, things were pretty, well, not good. They admitted me to the IMC unit, which is the step up from ICU and kept me for a few days. It was a much easier situation because she acted early and didn't mess around.

The longer I'm out here under her care, the more I'm realizing how terribly skewed my view has become. I've been so grossly desensitized to my own aches, pains, emotions, and symptoms in general over the years because so many doctors have blown off treating me. I believe it was what my body had to do to cope over time, but now that I have good, no amazing medical care in reach, it could actually be working against me. This is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

Spring in Denver

Well, this isn't exactly medical, but I thought I'd use an entry to blog about the beauty around me. As much as I love the weather, landscape, and life in Kentucky, I think I've grown to love it all here just the same. There's just something about making the most of where you are to me. I don't want to look back and feel like I missed out on something wonderful that was right at my fingertips. I know sometimes I push myself a little to hard, but I feel like it's worth it. Life is worth experiencing.

Cheesman Park

Jackson & pal Mugsy enjoying chasing rocks in Cherry Creek

The first hint of Spring beauty!

More Spring braving the Denver chill.

The best dog park ever! Cherry Creek State Park!

A birthday gift just for me (& the rest of CO!)

Another birthday treat ~ a cupcake from CuppyCakes!

RoboMike ~ 16th Streets Finest :)

Beautiful Boulder ~ Mt. Sanitas Trail

More from hiking in Boulder...

Susan & Katie with the 14th Street Bear

One (yep, that's just ONE) biscuit w/creole gravy from Lucille's

Overlooking Denver in the distance from Red Rocks

A rare unicorn peep for my birthday from my PT, Emily!

Rockies vs Diamondbacks @ Coors Stadium!!!

The Botanic Gardens ~ I want one of these in my yard!

I hate steroids as much as I hate food...

So I was doing something I rarely do a few nights ago, I was watching TV with a friend. It was a ridiculous episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is facing his "mortal enemy". The whole thing kinda popped in my head again today after I had time to process a call from Kaci. She simply let me know that the oral steroids aren't helping me enough anymore so Dr. Olson and Dr. Katial have decided to start me on kenalog injections beginning tomorrow morning.

I know in the scheme of things it shouldn't seem like such a big deal. I'm good at handling things, so why not just handle this and roll on... Well, because I'm tired of steroids. No, that's not even the truth. I'm not tired of them, I hate them. In the way that Sheldon felt complete disdain for Wesley Crusher in that silly episode, that's how I feel about steroids. They have a million terrible side effects that are all working perfectly in my body, but the simple job of helping me to breathe continuously... for some reason that just can't happen. So now, because there is no other option the insurance will currently approve, I get to switch from taking my harsh enemy orally to being injected with another freaking needle.

It'd be different if I could believe that it might work, but I know it won't. It's just a band-aid to keep me out of the hospital until enough time passes for the insurance approval period is up for the treatment they want to start me on. Who's to even say that drug is going to work? Back in October they really thought this one would be the answer. All I know is that I don't know... anything. I'm tired, and lost, and ........ and I just don't know.

Some days are just a little crummy

I woke today anticipating the warm sunshine I would get to enjoy after my half~day of appointments. It's almost always beautiful here, but it's been quite a while since we've had truly warm days. Unfortunately, my body had a different plan. During rehab my vision started to blur and I started getting dizzy. By the time I moved on to my second appointment the world was in full spin. I was feeling weak and achy. Just an hour later, I was in the exam room with Dr. Olson. I felt terrible. I had spiked a fever and was coughing and stuffy. It was so bizarre. She ordered several tests and decided to keep me around for the better part of the day to monitor me. Around 3:30 she sent me home to rest since my symptoms were stable.

The worst part about it all... I didn't get to enjoy the warm, sunny day. :(

for now, we CELEBRATE!!!

Today was the day. The phone rang. National Jewish popped up on my screen & Dr. Olson's voice was on the other end. There was no time to get nervous about the impending news or even think. I could tell from her, "Hellllooo Toni" that she was very excited! It was all good. She said she couldn't wait another minute to call me. She'd just spoken with Dr. Feiner and had most of the lab results. The blast cells were simply gone and I DO NOT have leukemia right now! She said, "for now, we celebrate!" It was so great to hear her happiness and relief through the phone.

I know I'm still in the high risk catagory for developing these cells & I very well could have to go through this again one day. For now though, I am overjoyed and thankful for this undeserved blessing of Good Good news!

Blasted Blood

I've honestly had more blood tests than I can count since I've been here. Dr. Katial and Dr. Olson are still quite concerned about my hemoglobin and iron levels. Both levels have continued to drop for over a month now for no obvious reason. Being on coumadin complicates the matter because they've been unable to perform some of the procedures they'd like to do to further investigate the problem. They are trying to wait until I'm able to stop taking the coumadin, which should be mid-April. Dr. Olson referred me to a highly regarded specialist at Rose's Rocky Mountain Cancer Center. Dr. Feiner is an oncologist/hematologist. I spent most of the day in his office two weeks ago undergoing some pretty intense tests. I returned for a follow-up appointment this week for the results.

It was nothing new to hear him tell me that the test results were not definitive. He suggested his plan for now concerning some things and spent time explaining my particular blood deficiencies and abnormalities. He let me know that although my white blood cell count was in the normal range, I had some "weird" cells that Dr. Olson was concerned about. He ordered more tests for that along with tests to further investigate my pulmonary embolism. He let me know he'd call me in a week with the results.

I didn't think much about it all until my appointment with Dr. Olson. She asked what he'd shared with me and then pulled my lab results up on the computer. She said the "weird" cells were actually called blast cells and could be quite serious. They appeared in a high percentage on my labs last Friday. She explained that in some cases this can be a sign of acute leukemia. Because of my medical history, I'm apparently in a higher risk catagory for developing leukemia. She assured me that Dr. Feiner is one of the best in his field and as soon as he contacts her with the results, she'll talk with me. She also wanted me to know that she feels like there will be another explanation for the blast cells in my case... that it will be nothing major. She just wanted to be open with me and let me know what we could be facing.

Today I went in for a few more blood tests and another chemical irritant challenge. My peak flows haven't been as stable for the past week and I've been dealing with a few more negative side effects from the treatments/meds. The nausea is creeping back. I spent quite a bit of time today throwing up. The good news is that I haven't had to deal with that in a long time, the bad news is that I don't know why it's happening again now. Even though my body is having a pretty rough week physically, I actually feel good about how I'm handling everything mentally and emotionally. I guess it's big stuff to hear that you're doctor thinks you could have leukemia, but I'm really okay. Truly. I've come a long way in the past few years and I've learned that could is pretty powerful word. I also have learned that anytime these amazing doctors find an answer, even if it's scary as hell, it's still better than no answer. And finally, I know that I've made it this far. For some freaky, crazy reason, God  has kept me around. It seems reasonable to me that I should continue to believe that He's got this.

So, whatever comes of my blasted blood, I know it will be, well, it'll be okay. It'll really be okay.

a tough mental game

I guess if I'm gonna be honest, a lot about what I'm going through (& what I've been going through) can be considered tough. Somehow though, I can convince myself to handle a lot. I can usually put things into perspective and remember that this is life ~ my life. The thing that really weighs on me, really gets to me though, is failure. The worst part is that in my head I know that I have no control over these things. I know that it's not my fault per se that I continue to get bad test results. But it's still a VERY tough mental game. It's hard to stop myself from feeling like a failure each time the results are shared with me. My body has become my worst enemy. I'm constantly fighting against myself and rarely winning.

I've started pulmonary rehab again, but it is completely different than the program that Dr. Thompson's office provided. The program here at National Jewish is much more intense and finely tuned to my specific needs. Each session is only thirty minutes ~ thirty killer minutes. It's thirty minutes that highlight all the things I can't do anymore. I am constantly reminding myself that I've been through a lot & my body is fighting against me. Emily is the most amazing physical therapist and she is supportive and constantly encouraging. She refuses to let me forget I am getting stronger. I know that I can beat this too. It's just another obstacle I've had to acknowledge.

Smiles for Progress

Dr. Olson.
         Dr. Amy Olson.

That name stands alone as a powerful force. She's comforting, thorough, brilliant, and compassionate. I am here because I want to be well and feel good more than anything I can imagine. As if that isn't motivation enough, I find myself working even harder toward challenging goals and pushing through tough tests because I don't want to disappoint her.

Today she was disappointed because I've lost several pounds in the past week. I feel like I eat all the time. I don't understand my body. She's pretty serious about this though. Apparently if my BMI drops too low it can cause more problems than I'm already dealing with. Neither of us want that! Luckily, that conversation was followed by better news. My ENO is down to 55! Oh yes! That's right! I did say fifty-five! No kidding! She was even smiling about my spirometry! There was less truncation in the loops and my lung function was much better. I still haven't achieved the 6 second mark on the expiratory loop. Today I was less than three seconds. Honestly, I don't know how people breathe out for that long. I'm working on it though, and as she said "let's just smile for progress!" I know that one day very soon I'll be writing about surpassing this goal too!

Because my lung function is stable, she felt comfortable increasing my treatment dosage. She and the other doctors have consulted and feel they need to push the limits while they're monitoring me so closely to see if it will work for me at all. She said the negative side effects will probably worsen, but if the tests continue to show nothing positive we'll stop and try something else. Once again, I just have to keep reminding myself that this is why I'm here and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I can handle this because better times are coming.

VCD Irritant Challenge

I felt like there was a lot on the line with this appointment. I was pretty nervous as I headed over to the rehab floor. This was my first session with Carly where we were really going to push my body to some limits and work on beating my respiratory system's hypersensitivity to irritants. What a goal!

Today, she set up the challenge using strong perfume. I had to enter and exit the room over and over increasing my exposure time with each session. It sounds so simple now that I'm writing about it, but it was a true challenge. The first time we entered the room my body reacted instantly. I've been living with this for so long that it doesn't scare me, but it frustrates me endlessly. I've been breathing better for the past week than I have in months, maybe even more than a year. Things are on the right track for once. It's so disheartening to know that exposure to an irritant can have so much control over my body. With that in mind, that's another reason I love this place, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be. No one else in my medical history has even tried to help the whole me in so many ways. I am so thankful to be here where they have the resources to help me in all these creative ways. It's going to take many more of these challenges to desensitize my respiratory system and keep it from shutting down, but that's what I'm here for & they're in it with me. :)

I walked away realizing that the road ahead of me is still quite long, but I'm walking it with amazing people!

bad news is different here

It was yet another gorgeous, sunny Denver day and Jackson and I were out walking when the phone rang. It was Dr. Toribara's nurse from National Jewish. She wanted to let me know that some lab results were in that the doctors were concerned about. My hemoglobin level had dropped quite a bit and they needed to add some tests to my schedule. She wanted me to know that Dr. Toribara and Dr. Olson were working together to figure things out and I had nothing to worry about. I just needed to report to the lab before my appointments in the morning. She said he'd also be scheduling some procedures to investigate the bloodloss, but they would take care of the details.

This is just one, tiny example of how different bad news is here. Yeah, it does stink to hear that my hemoglobin has dropped again. It does stink to hear that I'm gonna need to be put under for some not so pleasant procedures when I'm out here alone. It's frustrating that my body continues to throw curveballs and react in bizarre ways. That is ALL SO MUCH EASIER to handle when it's followed by "don't worry, Toni, we're taking care of you and all the details" though. Wow! I'm convinced that part of the reason I'm improving is due to the fact that I'm not having to deal with mounds of stress related to my medical care. People are taking care of things for me. The rest of the medical world could truly learn a lot from this place.

A New Beginning...

Yep, today's the first day of my road to real hope for wellness. It's finally here and I'm all in with both feet (personal belongings & a loyal dog)! Let's do this!

I saw Lindsey and Stacey off from their hotel this morning. I'll admit to a tear or two as I drove away. I'm pretty sure now that this endeavor is gonna be a little tougher than I wanted it to be. So of course it was hard to send off the two people in the city who I can call friend. I know new friends will come with time, but time is always a hard thing to swallow.

My appointments for today were very "business" oriented. Even though I've been coming to NJ off and on for two years now, today was a lot like an initial visit. Dr. Olson wanted baselines so we could set goals and clearly measure progress while I'm here. The best part, and probably most needed part of my day happened while I was in the exam room waiting for Dr. Olson. Dr. Maleki walked by and noticed me in the room. She stopped in her tracks, bounced in the room, and embraced me. She excitedly asked if I was back in Denver & all moved in. When I responded she was so excited! She told me she and Dr. Olson had been counting down the days until my return! They were so thrilled I'd agreed to come so they could finally~truly help me to get better! She bounced out as quickly as she had bounced in.

It took a moment for her words to sink in. "They've been counting the days to my return???" "They're excited that I'm here??" It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I had no doubt that God chose this path for me, but today I needed a little extra comfort. Those words strengthened me and gave me what I needed to push forward.

Dr. Olson met with me and reminded me even more why I am here in this place. She is a true champion. She shared her immediate plan, added things to my schedule, and explained her thoughts. I completed the rest of the tests and labs for the day and headed home to process it all.

This is a new beginning... and I can do what it takes to make it through...

Heading Home with a Plan

Deja-vu huh? Mom and I packed the suitcases and headed to NJ for a few tests and a final appointment with Dr. Olson. I was confident we would make this flight. Things were different this time though. I was feeling anxious about the decisions I still needed to make, the people I hoped to say good-bye to, and all the things I needed to accomplish in such a short amount of time. As usual though, no one needed to know how I was feeling. I could deal with that later. This was the time to focus and show that I was in the game.

After several days of IV meds in the hospital, my test results were much better than the pre-hospital ones. (Thank goodness!) My appointment with Dr. Olson was detailed and intense. She prescribed several new medications and modified the dosages on old ones. She provided me with a detailed plan to hopefully keep me on track for the two weeks I'll be out of her sight. The hardest news was that she banned me from going to the school. I had hoped to work a few days while being home. So much for my plans. :(  I guess that's another thing I'll deal with later.


For now, I'm going to focus my energy on heading home, getting stronger, spending time with friends and family, and taking care of the business of moving. This is going to be  s o m e  two weeks...


A man singing his heart out in the airport as I blog...



A Personal Visit

After a long day in the hospital of trying to breathe and dealing with a life changing move I heard a comforting voice at the door, "Hellllloooo?"

It was Dr. Olson. Mom had left over an hour earlier and I hadn't even noticed that my room had gotten so dark. I sat up and flipped on the light from my bed control as I welcomed her in. She pulled a chair up very close to my bed and asked how I was feeling. Her eyes were so sincere. I was at a loss for words. I felt myself fumbling to answer her, wanting to revert to my default "alright" setting but as I looked at her eyes I felt like I was made of glass. She could see right through me and already knew how I was feeling. She wasn't asking for small talk, she was asking because she wanted to hear me talk. At that moment I realized she had come to the hospital just for me. She made herself comfortable in the chair, but was still very attentive. She stayed for a long time asking me questions and explaining what she, Dr. Katial, and Dr. Maleki have been thinking and discussing this week. She talked to me about everything from how prednisone makes me feel to how moving to Denver will impact me financially. She shared her frustrations with my lack of improvement over time and her ideas for helping me. Before she left, she reminded me of my strong coping mechanisms that have kept me alive at times and hurt me at other times. She told me that as far as thinking about school/work/teaching and getting back to what I consider "normal" next year, I should stop for now. For now, she doesn't want me anywhere near a school or students and she wants me put next year into the "deal with it later pile". Those words pierced right through me like a knife. The initial pain was agonizing. This is hard enough deserting my kids, my job, my work for the rest of this year, but to think about deserting it next year too, even forever??? But if I am anything, I am disciplined and obedient. I am a fighter and I know how to cope. It's what my body does. So if Dr. Olson wants me to put this out of my mind, that is what I must do. God has placed her in the lead position for my care for a reason. I trust her and I know I have plenty of other things to face right now. This personal visit was a gift. Honestly, I think we both needed it in certain ways. I am anxiously looking forward to the wonderful Good that's about to unfold.