A Personal Visit

After a long day in the hospital of trying to breathe and dealing with a life changing move I heard a comforting voice at the door, "Hellllloooo?"

It was Dr. Olson. Mom had left over an hour earlier and I hadn't even noticed that my room had gotten so dark. I sat up and flipped on the light from my bed control as I welcomed her in. She pulled a chair up very close to my bed and asked how I was feeling. Her eyes were so sincere. I was at a loss for words. I felt myself fumbling to answer her, wanting to revert to my default "alright" setting but as I looked at her eyes I felt like I was made of glass. She could see right through me and already knew how I was feeling. She wasn't asking for small talk, she was asking because she wanted to hear me talk. At that moment I realized she had come to the hospital just for me. She made herself comfortable in the chair, but was still very attentive. She stayed for a long time asking me questions and explaining what she, Dr. Katial, and Dr. Maleki have been thinking and discussing this week. She talked to me about everything from how prednisone makes me feel to how moving to Denver will impact me financially. She shared her frustrations with my lack of improvement over time and her ideas for helping me. Before she left, she reminded me of my strong coping mechanisms that have kept me alive at times and hurt me at other times. She told me that as far as thinking about school/work/teaching and getting back to what I consider "normal" next year, I should stop for now. For now, she doesn't want me anywhere near a school or students and she wants me put next year into the "deal with it later pile". Those words pierced right through me like a knife. The initial pain was agonizing. This is hard enough deserting my kids, my job, my work for the rest of this year, but to think about deserting it next year too, even forever??? But if I am anything, I am disciplined and obedient. I am a fighter and I know how to cope. It's what my body does. So if Dr. Olson wants me to put this out of my mind, that is what I must do. God has placed her in the lead position for my care for a reason. I trust her and I know I have plenty of other things to face right now. This personal visit was a gift. Honestly, I think we both needed it in certain ways. I am anxiously looking forward to the wonderful Good that's about to unfold.