the real me

What a week. Even though I am recounting these events daily, it's simply impossible for me to express what's really been going on inside me. I just won't allow myself time to process the gravity of what I've been through. I've adapted so strictly to the art of pushing through that I don't even know how to be truthful to myself about pain and weakness and even fear. I don't want to take the time to slow down and fall apart. I just want to believe that it's going to work out, and move forward with life. All in all that is a good plan and I truly believe that it is part of why I'm alive today. At the same time, I'm starting to recognize it's flaws. My illnesses, pain, weaknesses, and fears may not define me, but they are part of me and have definitely played a huge role in making me who I am today. Maybe instead of denying these parts of me, I need to start owning them.

The title of this blog is All for Good. That came from my belief that God can use everything for His Good. I have always known that in some way for some reason and somehow, all that I have experienced and lived through (no matter how yucky) would be worthwhile because in someway Good would come to someone because of it. I have been content even peace-filled about that. Maybe there's even more to it though...maybe it's time to become a  little more accepting and own what I've been through. I've realized that by denying these parts of myself, I've been denying Good God has for me. I should be experiencing everything in my life~the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's all adding to the complicated mess of a project that I am.

I don't want to become a whiner, but I at least must learn to be real with myself. I can't continue to push past everything. This week was real and I need to be able to admit that it was unbelieveably tough. Each day was so packed with painful, exhausting tests and doctors relaying overwhelming news. Looking back, I know the only reason I made it through was because of prayers. This is the gift of my life...I am ready to own it. I am thankful beyond words for every test, doctor, nurse, and experience that I had this week. As hard as it was, I still loved being there because it was obvious that they ALL wanted to help me.

So I guess this means when I lay down tonight, I just might cry a little when I think about having to say yes to a third bone marrow biopsy. I also might chuckle when I think about my leg muscle cramping during the sleep study and I was afraid LaTasha, the tech would think I was thrashing about wildly on the video. Then I'll smile when I remember how Dr. Olson lit up and hugged me when she saw me in the hallway on Monday morning for the first time. And all of these emotions and more will be okay because they are part of me...christian, daughter, friend, asthmatic, dog lover, teacher, congenital heart disease, sister, undefined illness, althogether & more...the real me.