Thankful for Simple Solutions

In the end, this hospital visit was different and help was found. Tonight I am thankful and hopeful.

It wasn't an easy three days for sure. I was fortunate that my care at Swedish Hospital began in the ER with Dr. Marty O'Brian. He's one of the good guys. Unfortunately, one of the few good guys. He recognized there was a problem, admitted me, and started the quest to actually help me. My days & nights were filled with spinning rooms, good & bad caretakers, more fainting, multiple tests, dreaded labs, Lee's calming encouragement, and finally ~ an answer.

Everyone loves a good strobe light test
when the room is already spinning! :)

The hospitalist, Dr. Brigham requested help from a neurologist and a cardiologist. This was obviously a good call, the problem was that she didn't call on MY doctors. I needed help from the doctors that know my history and current treatment plan. Pulling in new doctors isn't always as helpful as one may think. The neurologist had no interest in communicating with Dr. Round. I'm not a pro at confrontation so it just turned into a stressful battle to be heard. My family and Lee were my rocks in this. I'd been beaten down and they gave me the strength and encouragement to fight for what we knew was best for me. The neurologist didn't take it well that I insisted her plan be placed on the back burner, but she finally accepted it. In a wonderful twist of fate, the cardiologist was a friend of my dear Dr. Fenster. Talk about a ray of light in what was becoming a very dark hospital! Dr. Cho consulted with Dr. Fenster and together they discovered that the syncope was being caused by some heart abnormalities. He prescribed and new drug for me that would increase my blood pressure and hopefully keep me on the conscious side of life. :)

Here's to hope & simple solutions.

Who do I turn to?

I am so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life. I am certain I would not have made it this far without them. The past few days, I've really been leaning on my loved ones and reminded once again how different my National Jewish doctors are.

Saturday, Lee and I were shopping. I felt a wave of dizziness as the salesman was helping him. I didn't think much of it and just leaned against the counter until it passed. Minutes later, we were in the back of the store. Everything the salesman was saying seemed to be mumbled. I remember the room flooding to blackness. I opened my eyes and realized I was on the floor. The room seemed to be spinning and I was nauseous. Lee was next to me, calm, but ready to act. I felt completely humiliated, out of control & confused, but I also felt safe knowing he was with me. We spent the rest of the afternoon taking it easy & quietly hoping it was a one time thing.

Assuming it would be a one time occurrence was my mistake. It happened again at work in my classroom Sunday afternoon. The dizziness seemed to be more frequent. I was feeling more out of control and unsteady. Somehow, I made it through work Monday without incident. Luckily I had a follow up appointment with my neurologist, Dr. Round. When I described the episodes to him, he said he didn't think it was seizure related & recommended that I visit a primary care doctor. I was at a loss. This summer, Dr. Olson and Dr. Pearson spent a ridiculous amount of time convincing me that syncope is a BIG deal. Now it's happening again & I feel like I shouldn't shrug it off. I tried to tell a doctor & it resulted in me feeling like a drama queen. I didn't get it. It seems my body didn't either. It happened again twice that evening. The first time ended in a not so graceful tumble down the stairs into the basement door. I couldn't escape the spinning room even when I was lying down or sitting still. At a loss for a better option, I agreed to go to the ER. After a few tests and many questions, the doctor concluded they couldn't do anything for me. He kindly recommended moving slowly and sent us on our way.

I felt like I was reliving a nightmare from my past. How could this be nothing? What was wrong with me? Was I overreacting? Was I being a baby? What a waste of time and money. I was disgusted, completely frustrated with my body, and a bit scared about it happening again. What if it happened at work? How could I stop it? Who could I turn to for help? I didn't know what to do so I just tried to stay positive. I knew I needed to stay calm and just hope I would be better in the morning.

Unfortunately my powers of positive thinking didn't work on my body. I did all I could to get through the morning carefully. I changed routines so that I could remain as stationery as possible while the kids were with me. Walking to the lunchroom was almost more than I could handle. I felt myself getting dizzier and more unsteady with each step. I knew I just needed to get my lunch from the fridge and make it to the table. I could do that. I opened the fridge door and carefully stooped to grab my bag. The room started to go black and I felt flushed. I remember grabbing the door, taking a slow breath, & chanting in my head that I could make it. I recall slowly moving from the fridge..... I came to surrounded by voices and a huge commotion. It had happened again. I was on the floor in the lunchroom. My head was hurting, I felt confused, and I was freezing cold. There was nothing I could do to make it better. Someone called an ambulance and before I knew it the EMTs were rolling me away. I felt like I was abandoning my students and my responsibilities. I was heartbroken. I just wanted to do my job. I had done everything recommended and couldn't stop it from happening. What hope did I have that this trip to the ER would be any different? I could only think of how worried Lee, Mom, and Dad would be. Being rushed to the hospital from work is a big deal. How could I make this better for them? I just needed someone to help me...

More bloody drama

Bottom line - I'm losing my patience and getting very tired of waiting for this bloody drama to end. It seems that Dr. Kern, Dr. Olson, & Dr. Toribara all agree that it's time for an iron infusion possibly coupled with a blood transfusion. What's the problem you say... Well it's the condition of my body & the cautious nature of Dr. Feiner.  Ugh! Wow do I get sick of being considered delicate. I'm just not down with that label. I wish someone would just take the risk and move forward. My NJ docs are insistent about Dr. Feiner performing the infusions be of the high risks involved with my medical conditions. he refused to move forward until they performed a capsule endoscopy proving one more time that I don't have a source of blood loss.

Can I say I think I might die if I ever have to drink that electrolyte concoction again!?!? Oh yes!! Note the drama queen is coming out in me, but I believe it's true!!!! That stuff is like prison level punishment. I mean, I don't like many drinks anyhow, but that stuff is another level beyond disgusting. Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! There must be a better way for the good of all mankind!

After suffering through the endless liters of torture it was finally time or the test. I must say, National Jewish really is on board with some breakthrough research. I had to swallow a horse pill sized camera with a bright blue flashing light. Then they strapped a belted monitor to my waist. The camera moved through my body throughout the day taking two pictures every three seconds. The pictures were uploaded to the monitor every fifteen seconds creating eight mind-boggling hours of breathtaking footage! ;)

What a Star Trekish experience that was! Now, I just need to wait for the results.......

A Tough Start

It's hard to describe how it feels when something you love, something that's part of you becomes a daily challenge. Of all my experiences, I can easily pinpoint one of the hardest to deserting my career & going on medical leave back in February. I truly thought about my job and students daily even after their last day of school. I missed the victories of students experiencing success, the challenges of finding tailor made ways to meet needs, the comoradery among coworkers, even the early & late hours of the behind the scenes work. I've truly missed it.

That's why when I got the great news my doctors would support me trying the classroom again, followed by a dream job opportunity at a nearby school, I was stoked! I couldn't have been happier. I was brimming with excitement and new ideas for changing little lives!

Reality quickly set in. It's clear my body is going to be my number one enemy. Sadly, this has been the most difficult start to a new year I've ever had. It's almost like having my heart gouged out with a spoon. Mentally I'm excited & the old me. I'm a teacher again. I'm filled with joy! Ideas are constantly popping in my head and I'm anxious to implement them. Physically I'm beyond exhausted. I often feel as though I won't make it through the day. I'm mustering every ounce of strength i have to make it to 3:45. I feel like a failure because I simply can't give my students everything I mentally know would be best for them. It's unacceptable, heartbreaking, even crushing. My body is failing me and I don't know how to handle it.

I still believe things are going to change. I still hope the miracle answers are right around the corner. I still believe I'm going to win this battle on my terms. It's just not in my nature to quit, but it's getting too hard to push through. Something needs to change.

I don't want to doubt that I'm giving all my best to these kiddos!

I hoped these days were behind me

Oh, how I'd hoped. :(
Not yet though. I have to realize I'm still a work in progress & my body and doctors really are doing all they can do. 
I have to believe there's still hope! 

Yep, it happened. I'm back in the hospital. I've been teaching again for a whopping 2-3 weeks & caught a virus that won almost immediately. I can't help but be completely frustrated and disappointed. I thought all the time on medical leave would make me stronger... Give my body the rest it needed to better handle this world of 6 & 7 year olds that I cherish so. 

Here I am though. Back in Rose. IVs, high doses of steroids, antibiotics ~ the whole blasted shebang. I feel so helpless at times. All I want is to work & stop hurting my loved ones with this ridiculous cycle. 

I have to focus on the bright side. That's how I'll get through for now. I have people in my life who love me and doctors who care. There's also hope that this will be a short stay because Dr. Olson admitted me as soon as home meds became ineffective. These are things I can hold onto and be thankful for. 



so thankful...



Adding Dr. Kern to the team

Well it remains true... National Jewish seems to only hire the best of the best. Last week, I had an appointment with Renal Specialist, Dr. Kern. She is another jewel in the NJ crown. She was intelligent, compassionate, and proactive.

The appointment was originally scheduled because there was apparently a concern that I could have a renal tumor. I know! What's the deal with my body mimicking such alarming symptoms? Thank goodness the news wasn't so grave. She believed the problems were being caused by one of my medications. Great news! Even better though, she noticed the lab history on my chart and began brainstorming ways she could help my ferritin/hemoglobin deficiencies. She said those were no numbers for a first grade teacher (oh yes! I'm the newest first grade teacher at Cherry Hills Village Elementary!) and was intent on finding a way to help me feel better! How exciting!

She ordered labs and consulted with Dr. Olson. Unfortunately, my ferritin & hemoglobin levels have dropped again. My iron is 4.2 & hemoglobin is 8 something. Both doctors are leaning toward IV iron infusions, but want Dr. Feiner to weigh in before they add me to the schedule. I'm all for anything that will generally improve the way I feel! So, I guess it's solid.... I have another great doctor on my team! Just waiting for the final decision.

the END of anorexia :)

Oh what a great day! I feel like I've been validated. I know I have a great relationship with my doctors and they can tell that I am honest with them. It's just been so hard knowing that this crazy weight issue has NOTHING to do with my self image and trying to get them to know that's sincere. I've watched the concern on Dr. Olson's face as she checks my weight in the computer. It's heartbreaking. I understand that she only has my health & best interest in mind. I get that. That's why I understood when she had to send me to EDC (the Eating Disorder Center of Denver). Don't get me wrong ~ I was devastated & felt like a failure, but I did understand.

That was the beginning of my victory! I met with a counselor there for about an hour. At the end of the appointment she looked me in the eyes and said she had no idea what was going on with my body, but I did NOT fit any of the criteria for an eating disorder.

Wooooooo  Hoooooooo!! Don't you know I was sooooooo relieved! Now we can FINALLY move forward and focus on problems that are actually REAL!!

All in all nothing has changed with my weight, my appetite, or interest in food in any way. The victory lies completely in the fact that I have officially been labeled NOT Anorexic!

muscle cramps oh my!

My body certainly has a way of throwing curveballs. Just as things are improving with my breathing and my doctors are on course to figure out the syncope problem ~ another symptom starts screaming for attention. I've noticed for the last month that my previously tolerable muscle cramps have been worsening. Crystal, my PT, and Dr. Fenster both have suggested possible remedies for the problem. I've been through each (potassium, magnesium, quinine) only to notice the muscle cramps continue to worsen.

This week has been the worst. Wednesday at rehab, after only a couple of reps on the pilates bench, my calf started cramping again. Crystal started massaging that muscle and the chain reaction started again. Next, the muscles in my side were pulling, then the other muscles in both legs, and on to my arms and back. It was so severe that one of the other PTs tried a procedure called needling. As she inserted the needles into my cramping calf muscle everything seemed to intensify. Apparently this isn't how the muscles are supposed to react to this procedure. She quickly removed the needles as the spasms were unrelenting all over my body. They asked me to stand in hopes of stretching some of the muscles and relieving the pain. As soon as I stood up I felt a flush of heat & nausea rush through me. The room started to blacken and before I could react I was out. When I came to, Crystal was standing over me with intense concern in her eyes. She insisted that it was time to call Dr. Olson.

Rehab wasn't much better Today. The spasms have been almost nonstop creating very achy, sore muscles. It's getting harder to handle and ignore. Dr. Olson called this afternoon to let me know she's ordered labs and is scheduling an appointment with Dr. Maleki. She seems to think it's mostly likely related to the Churg Strauss or something else rheumatalogical. For now, I'm supposed to stop all exercise and limit physical activity as much as possible. Hopefully they'll have an answer for me soon.

Uh~uh, that has to be wrong???

Today was one of those days that I just wasn't prepared for what the doctor would tell me.

"You have seizure disorder."

What?! I was so confused. I've been having seizures??? How crazy is that?! I didn't even know how to respond. I was honestly relieved to have a diagnosis that could be treated, but so perplexed at the same time.

Dr. Round had reviewed the EEG and says it is clear that I have seizure disorder. He believes it is the source of my syncope and blurry vision episodes. He also believes it is connected to the Churg Strauss. The great news is that he believes Keppra (an anti-seizure medicine) will be the perfect solution. I'll start the new meds tomorrow and should notice improvement within the next couple of weeks.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?
Seriously?

I know I'm strong. And I know it's because of the Grace of God. I know my life is a gift and God does have a plan for me. I know I have outstanding doctors fighting for me daily. I also know I have a huge cast of family, friends, and even strangers praying for me constantly. What I don't understand, is what is truly wrong with me? Throughout this journey, I've never really been one to ask why or to look back in anger. That's sincere. I believe I am me because of my journey and experiences. I really wouldn't change things. What's bothering me now is not the big picture or the daily pain or trials... it's me. Why does my body react the way it does? I really want to know what's wrong with me?

I was told my IQ a long time ago. I know I'm an intelligent person. I can't stand the way I feel like a total idiot when a doctor asks me why I'm losing weight. I don't have an answer. I eat. That's the truth. I eat everything the nutritionist has asked me to eat. I don't know what's wrong with me?? I don't know why I can walk up and down the isles of the grocery store and not find a single thing that looks enticing even when I'm hungry. I don't have an answer. But I know that even though I have no interest, I do the right thing. I eat.

I also don't know why my body continues to be so weak when I take every medicine, go to every appointment, and push myself to exercise daily. I don't know why it seems that when one problem gets under control a new problem surfaces. I just don't know the answers.

I do know that I'm tired, but somehow still hopeful. I know that for so long I've wanted people to be my friend and not be scared of me. I want people to be able to love me without having to constantly worry about my health.

This is one of those days that I'd just like to have some answers. I'm exhausted and for once I'd just like something to make sense.

time to face reality

Time to face it for sure. I need to take a deep breath, gather my strength, and do what I know is best for me. Yep, I said it, ME. It's time to make this real, believe that everyone will understand this is where I need to be, and acknowledge what I've known for a while.

 Denver is where I need to live.

Dr. Olson and I spoke at length today and she was quite blunt with me. (I guess she knew I needed that.)  Things aren't going to be any different if I go back to Lexington right now. Honestly, everyone who knows me has been thinking the same thing ~ just afraid to speak it. The same old cycle will start all over again. I won't be able to be the teacher I want to be, I'll continue to miss days, and everyone I love will continue to worry that one day soon, I'll push my body too far.

Yes, it's tough. Are you kidding? It's really tough. I have an entire state of people supporting me, but I'm here, 1400 miles away alone with my dog. But now I'm finally taking this leap of faith. That's actually what makes it easier to handle though. I know... completely and totally KNOW deep down that this is right. Denver is exactly, undoubtedly where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I have no ill thoughts about how long this has taken or the road I've traveled to get here. That was all necessary ~ part of me & my story. I really wouldn't change a thing. On that note though, I don't want to miss another thing. I refuse to let fear stop me from enjoying this beautiful life. I know everything is going to be good and it will completely outweigh the hard times.

This decision opens the door to new hope. Maybe I'll be able to teach again...in a classroom, exercise whenever I want without pain, have the family I've always dreamed about, and bring joy to my loved ones rather than worry.

I'm officially moving to Denver.

Life with eCardio

The bright side is that I'm not in the hospital anymore! So woo hoo to that tid bit of news! My release was conditional though. In order to be released I had to agree to wear a lovely heart monitor for the next thirty days. Oh yes - that's no typo, I said 30 days!!! The reality is that they seem to believe whatever is going on with my heart and these episodes of syncope & dizziness are nothing to sneeze at. So, this is what needs to happen to monitor my heart and treat the problem. I can get behind that.

Not without a little humor though. :)  Seriously, let me describe this lovely thing. It's like a mini fanny pack or those fabulous man-satchels you see on all the most fashionable hips with cell phones secured safely in place. I feel like Robo-Cop with all the freaky wires protruding from my body. I mean come on, this thing is something to behold & I get to enjoy it for thirty days. Then, to make it even funnier, when my heart does decide to be bizarre or "have and event" as the doctors prefer to say, this crazy alarm goes off that makes Jackson bury his head! It's quite comical!

Anyhow, today is only day three with my friend eCardio. I'm sure the next 27 days will be filled with fun times, great memories, and most importantly (hopefully) good medical information.

Syncope ~ a fun word for a not so fun event

Wow, talk about a big blow. I admit, I'm really spiraling here. I'm back in the hospital less than a week after being released. I'm feeling undescribably alone. And worst of all, I feel like I'm losing any last grip that I had on beating this stuff and having a normal life soon. I know that sounds ridiculously pessimistic and dismal, but seriously, I've had enough.

I knew I seemed to be having more trouble than usual bouncing back from being in the hospital. I was just feeling so weak and run down all the time. I had no stamina. Saturday I passed out a couple of times. I know looking back now, I should have known better. I should have realized something was wrong, but I didn't. I honestly attributed it to my weakness and the hospital and assumed it was a passing thing. Sunday, I started to black out a few times, but never lost consciousness. The dizzy & light-headed events continued to happen for the next few days. In my appointment with Dr. Olson she could tell I wasn't 100% so she questioned me until I finally told her what had been happening. Of course, it was a huge deal to her. She ordered several tests and ran down to talk with Dr. Fenster.

My EKG was abnormal. The information still baffles me, but basically the intervals were too short and it did show on repeated tests. My ENO was also still in the 100s which really bothered me since I was just in the hospital on loads of IV steroids. What's the deal with my body?! Anyhow, when Dr. Olson came back in the room, she seemed very concerned. She told me they were sending me back to the hospital for tests and observation and there was no other safe option. :( 

Honestly, I do love the outstanding level of medical care I receive here. I know this is where I need to be and they have my best interests in mind. Right now, sitting in this bed on this unusually painful IV, with my head spinning and all these monitors hooked to me, I'm really hating my body...

NO, No, nononononono...

Well, I guess in all honesty I should've seen this coming, but for some reason I didn't this time. My health has been declining again for the past couple of weeks. My peak flows have been dropping, my ENO has been increasing, my cortisol levels have increased, and my lung function has declined. It wasn't "Ketucky bad" though. I guess that's where my head was. I was remembering that it could be worse and just focusing on dealing with how bad it was getting now. Dr. Olson didn't see it that way of course (thankfully). She did all she could for me in the office and gave my body the afternoon to take the meds and fight. When things didn't work, there was no arguing with her about the importance of immediate hospitalization. The good news is that she knows her stuff. I continued to decline at a faster rate and by the time I was in the hospital, things were pretty, well, not good. They admitted me to the IMC unit, which is the step up from ICU and kept me for a few days. It was a much easier situation because she acted early and didn't mess around.

The longer I'm out here under her care, the more I'm realizing how terribly skewed my view has become. I've been so grossly desensitized to my own aches, pains, emotions, and symptoms in general over the years because so many doctors have blown off treating me. I believe it was what my body had to do to cope over time, but now that I have good, no amazing medical care in reach, it could actually be working against me. This is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

Spring in Denver

Well, this isn't exactly medical, but I thought I'd use an entry to blog about the beauty around me. As much as I love the weather, landscape, and life in Kentucky, I think I've grown to love it all here just the same. There's just something about making the most of where you are to me. I don't want to look back and feel like I missed out on something wonderful that was right at my fingertips. I know sometimes I push myself a little to hard, but I feel like it's worth it. Life is worth experiencing.

Cheesman Park

Jackson & pal Mugsy enjoying chasing rocks in Cherry Creek

The first hint of Spring beauty!

More Spring braving the Denver chill.

The best dog park ever! Cherry Creek State Park!

A birthday gift just for me (& the rest of CO!)

Another birthday treat ~ a cupcake from CuppyCakes!

RoboMike ~ 16th Streets Finest :)

Beautiful Boulder ~ Mt. Sanitas Trail

More from hiking in Boulder...

Susan & Katie with the 14th Street Bear

One (yep, that's just ONE) biscuit w/creole gravy from Lucille's

Overlooking Denver in the distance from Red Rocks

A rare unicorn peep for my birthday from my PT, Emily!

Rockies vs Diamondbacks @ Coors Stadium!!!

The Botanic Gardens ~ I want one of these in my yard!

I hate steroids as much as I hate food...

So I was doing something I rarely do a few nights ago, I was watching TV with a friend. It was a ridiculous episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is facing his "mortal enemy". The whole thing kinda popped in my head again today after I had time to process a call from Kaci. She simply let me know that the oral steroids aren't helping me enough anymore so Dr. Olson and Dr. Katial have decided to start me on kenalog injections beginning tomorrow morning.

I know in the scheme of things it shouldn't seem like such a big deal. I'm good at handling things, so why not just handle this and roll on... Well, because I'm tired of steroids. No, that's not even the truth. I'm not tired of them, I hate them. In the way that Sheldon felt complete disdain for Wesley Crusher in that silly episode, that's how I feel about steroids. They have a million terrible side effects that are all working perfectly in my body, but the simple job of helping me to breathe continuously... for some reason that just can't happen. So now, because there is no other option the insurance will currently approve, I get to switch from taking my harsh enemy orally to being injected with another freaking needle.

It'd be different if I could believe that it might work, but I know it won't. It's just a band-aid to keep me out of the hospital until enough time passes for the insurance approval period is up for the treatment they want to start me on. Who's to even say that drug is going to work? Back in October they really thought this one would be the answer. All I know is that I don't know... anything. I'm tired, and lost, and ........ and I just don't know.

Some days are just a little crummy

I woke today anticipating the warm sunshine I would get to enjoy after my half~day of appointments. It's almost always beautiful here, but it's been quite a while since we've had truly warm days. Unfortunately, my body had a different plan. During rehab my vision started to blur and I started getting dizzy. By the time I moved on to my second appointment the world was in full spin. I was feeling weak and achy. Just an hour later, I was in the exam room with Dr. Olson. I felt terrible. I had spiked a fever and was coughing and stuffy. It was so bizarre. She ordered several tests and decided to keep me around for the better part of the day to monitor me. Around 3:30 she sent me home to rest since my symptoms were stable.

The worst part about it all... I didn't get to enjoy the warm, sunny day. :(

for now, we CELEBRATE!!!

Today was the day. The phone rang. National Jewish popped up on my screen & Dr. Olson's voice was on the other end. There was no time to get nervous about the impending news or even think. I could tell from her, "Hellllooo Toni" that she was very excited! It was all good. She said she couldn't wait another minute to call me. She'd just spoken with Dr. Feiner and had most of the lab results. The blast cells were simply gone and I DO NOT have leukemia right now! She said, "for now, we celebrate!" It was so great to hear her happiness and relief through the phone.

I know I'm still in the high risk catagory for developing these cells & I very well could have to go through this again one day. For now though, I am overjoyed and thankful for this undeserved blessing of Good Good news!

Blasted Blood

I've honestly had more blood tests than I can count since I've been here. Dr. Katial and Dr. Olson are still quite concerned about my hemoglobin and iron levels. Both levels have continued to drop for over a month now for no obvious reason. Being on coumadin complicates the matter because they've been unable to perform some of the procedures they'd like to do to further investigate the problem. They are trying to wait until I'm able to stop taking the coumadin, which should be mid-April. Dr. Olson referred me to a highly regarded specialist at Rose's Rocky Mountain Cancer Center. Dr. Feiner is an oncologist/hematologist. I spent most of the day in his office two weeks ago undergoing some pretty intense tests. I returned for a follow-up appointment this week for the results.

It was nothing new to hear him tell me that the test results were not definitive. He suggested his plan for now concerning some things and spent time explaining my particular blood deficiencies and abnormalities. He let me know that although my white blood cell count was in the normal range, I had some "weird" cells that Dr. Olson was concerned about. He ordered more tests for that along with tests to further investigate my pulmonary embolism. He let me know he'd call me in a week with the results.

I didn't think much about it all until my appointment with Dr. Olson. She asked what he'd shared with me and then pulled my lab results up on the computer. She said the "weird" cells were actually called blast cells and could be quite serious. They appeared in a high percentage on my labs last Friday. She explained that in some cases this can be a sign of acute leukemia. Because of my medical history, I'm apparently in a higher risk catagory for developing leukemia. She assured me that Dr. Feiner is one of the best in his field and as soon as he contacts her with the results, she'll talk with me. She also wanted me to know that she feels like there will be another explanation for the blast cells in my case... that it will be nothing major. She just wanted to be open with me and let me know what we could be facing.

Today I went in for a few more blood tests and another chemical irritant challenge. My peak flows haven't been as stable for the past week and I've been dealing with a few more negative side effects from the treatments/meds. The nausea is creeping back. I spent quite a bit of time today throwing up. The good news is that I haven't had to deal with that in a long time, the bad news is that I don't know why it's happening again now. Even though my body is having a pretty rough week physically, I actually feel good about how I'm handling everything mentally and emotionally. I guess it's big stuff to hear that you're doctor thinks you could have leukemia, but I'm really okay. Truly. I've come a long way in the past few years and I've learned that could is pretty powerful word. I also have learned that anytime these amazing doctors find an answer, even if it's scary as hell, it's still better than no answer. And finally, I know that I've made it this far. For some freaky, crazy reason, God  has kept me around. It seems reasonable to me that I should continue to believe that He's got this.

So, whatever comes of my blasted blood, I know it will be, well, it'll be okay. It'll really be okay.

a tough mental game

I guess if I'm gonna be honest, a lot about what I'm going through (& what I've been going through) can be considered tough. Somehow though, I can convince myself to handle a lot. I can usually put things into perspective and remember that this is life ~ my life. The thing that really weighs on me, really gets to me though, is failure. The worst part is that in my head I know that I have no control over these things. I know that it's not my fault per se that I continue to get bad test results. But it's still a VERY tough mental game. It's hard to stop myself from feeling like a failure each time the results are shared with me. My body has become my worst enemy. I'm constantly fighting against myself and rarely winning.

I've started pulmonary rehab again, but it is completely different than the program that Dr. Thompson's office provided. The program here at National Jewish is much more intense and finely tuned to my specific needs. Each session is only thirty minutes ~ thirty killer minutes. It's thirty minutes that highlight all the things I can't do anymore. I am constantly reminding myself that I've been through a lot & my body is fighting against me. Emily is the most amazing physical therapist and she is supportive and constantly encouraging. She refuses to let me forget I am getting stronger. I know that I can beat this too. It's just another obstacle I've had to acknowledge.