Truly Madly Deeply

Knowing something is right in your heart does not make it easy. I am thankful though, that I have had the courage in my life to leap. I actually think it's kind of my thing. Whenever God has presented me with a path, I have had an indescribable ability to just believe. Looking back on my life I realize that an incredible sense of peace has always accompanied those biggest decisions.

Lee and I wanted to have a biological baby. We wanted to try surrogacy. It wasn't right. We knew God had a plan. We knew we would adopt our perfect baby. We held hands and we believed.

I hate the process of adoption. It's horrible. It's confusing. It's painful. It's emotional beyond understanding. It's exhausting. It's scary. No, wait, it's terrifying. It's a roller coaster. It's frustrating. It's not fair. It's misunderstood. It's expensive. It's really hard.

It's right. It's our Good. It's amazing.

In less than six weeks, Lee and I could be holding our baby in our arms. We've been chosen. I am already truly, madly, deeply in love with this baby. He holds a place in my heart that is growing bigger every day. He already brings unexpected smiles to my face out of the blue.

I have always believed there was good in my journey. I have always believed God had a plan. I never even dreamed I would be so blessed to get to experience so much of the good.

I'm all in on this. I'm more scared than I have ever been. My heart feels raw from the journey. My instinct is to raise the walls and detach from the experience until it seems safe. I can't though. I deserve to experience every part of this process. It is all part of the future me. All of my leaps have brought me to this point. I truly, madly, deeply believe in the good.

A Truly Trying Trial

Hope

Joy

Hope

Anticipation

Hope

These feelings were overwhelming for Lee and me as we started the Anti-IL5 trial. Our time had come! It was finally happening! I was on deck to get the treatment I have NEEDED for so long. We really didn't even hesitate. We knew in our hearts and our minds it was right. This trial was a gift. It was the gift of our future together. It was our All for Good.

Sixty Weeks

We believed. We hoped. We anticipated the good. We reveled in the joy that came with the hope.

We had NO IDEA it would be so hard.

Appointments. Disasterous & massive blood draws. Exhausting and intense tests. Paperwork. Vomiting. Nausea. Debilitating headaches. Tremors. Pain. Muscles cramps. Bone pain. Electric jolts of pain. Fevers. Tears. Dizziness. More vomiting. And more vomiting.

Hope

Overflowing love and care from my husband, my rock.

Then,
we saw the end.

Hope

In less than two months the trial will be complete. The pharmaceutical company will provide the perfect dose of the treatment for me. Overall, my lung function is better than it has been in years, many many years. Lee and I are closer than ever. We are stronger than ever. We see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've almost made it. My body has fought every single minute of every single day. We have hope in the light. My fight is less than two months away from the gift of our future. My fight is less than two months away from the gift more good days than bad.

I am so thankful for all that has brought me to the good that awaits our lives!

I lost my voice

Wow! It is hard to believe that it has been over a YEAR since I've written.
All I can say is that I felt as though I lost my voice. I could not put my experiences, feelings, or even thoughts into words. I wasn't in a place to process... well, anything really. As therapeutic as writing this blog has been for me, I guess I just needed a break.

A lot has happened in a year.

I've been feeling the urge to write again. I have that familiar need to save my thoughts. I'm ready to put the past year into words.