I believe in celebrating victories and milestones because I've learned that I must be thankful for what I have while I have it. I must live in this moment and thank God for the miracle that it is. At the beginning of March I celebrated one year of NO hospital stays! It was hard for me to wrap my head around the magnificent milestone. It was real! I made it! We all made it! My life has changed so much in the last few years. I am thankful for each part of this journey.
I'm glad I celebrated that milestone because the good run came to an end this week. Nurse Rebecca called me at school on Tuesday. I could tell she didn't seem her usual chipper self. She said my lab results were in and Dr. Olson wanted me to go straight to the hospital. It wasn't a time to argue or bargain. She already knows me well. It was serious and I needed medical attention immediately. My eosinophils had spiked to a dangerous level and the prednisone I was on did not seem to be fighting them.
I had all the expected thoughts flooding into my head. The ultimate fact was that I was not well, my health was in danger, and I had to go to the hospital. I met with Kay. She lovingly and without hesitation took care of my class.
Lee met me at the hospital. The news wasn't what we hoped for, but we were prepared. They admitted me to a room and a sweet nurse took us upstairs. I was not prepared for what happened next. As she wheeled me into the room I had an instant full body reaction that I could not control. It was the exact same room that I spent that long and traumatic month in back in October of 2011. I have looked back on that month as a time that doctors and friends rallied around me in a way that is so incredible and humbling words will not do it justice. I think of it as a time when my road to wellness and my fight became more serious than ever. It is bizarre to me how even though I feel like I've let go of the pain and terrible memories of that month, my body clearly remembers it in vivid detail. Every muscle in my body tensed, I started having more trouble breathing, I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. Each part of the room I looked at made terrible and painful experiences flash in my head. I couldn't stop it.
My wonderful Lee, with tears in his eyes insisted the nurse move me to a different room. It was like he was reliving the pain with me. He held me through it and reminded me it was in the past. It made me realize that I've come a long way, but my experiences are still with me. It made me even more thankful of this life I'm blessed to live.
On the brighter side, I had another full body reaction during this hospital stay. I experienced overwhelming joy when I received uplifting and encouraging texts from my new colleagues and my new family. I will never be able to thank people enough for taking the time to send texts when I am in the middle of "medical stuff". It is incredible to feel what kind words and loving support does for the my fight.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Falling to Pieces
Little tiny, crumbly, messy pieces - that's what I feel I've turned into. I'm having such a hard time hanging on to positive me. I'm still here, I'm just in a bit of a rut. I'm sure I just need to get it out, then I'll be able to take a deep (well, maybe not deep...) breath and get back on track. So here goes, full force, honest, from the gut---release.
Work - it's so hard to explain what teaching means to me. It's so much more than a job or even a career - it's my purpose and my passion. When I had to go on medical leave and had to face the possibility of not being able to continue my days in the classroom covered in germs, ideas, and hugs, I was devastated. It made me even more determined and more passionate about my work. Now that I'm back at it, it is truly wonderful - a wonderful dream come true. The crushing factor is that I've started over in a new state, in a new school, with new everything. I had to give up my team, my reputation, my support system, my experience, and in some ways - my success to come to Colorado and fight for my health. It was the right decision. I would do it all over again. That doesn't make it any easier. The effort that it takes my body and my spirit to fight through each work day astonishes me. It completely frustrates me. It's only by the grace of God that I make it through. By noon (& sometimes way before) I feel like my body is crumbling in on me. The pain in my bones, lungs, and muscles brings me to tears when I can steal a free moment. The worry that consumes me (a non-worrier) is ridiculous. I fear having to be absent when I don't have sick days. I fear seeming incompetent. I fear seeming annoying and weak to colleagues and families who don't know my fight. I fear being a burden to people who hardly know me. Most of all, I fear not being able to give my students all they deserve.
Friends - this is a biggie. I have never felt as sad as I have this year. It is almost like I've been grieving the loss of my friends. I feel so alone at times. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Lee. He truly is my best friend. He is my rock. I see him texting, talking to, and making plans with his friends and I long to have that again. I understand that it's tough to maintain a long distance friendship. I also understand that it's tough to open a comfortable friendship circle to new people. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make me miss friends any less.
Money - this one is obvious...insurance out of pocket, prescriptions, lost pay from missing days at work. It's all part of it. I've dealt with it for years. I suppose it's normal though if just once in a while I wish I could spend all that money on something else.
Failure - I'm a new wife and I'm lacking in so many ways. My heart hurts because I am constantly thinking of wonderful surprises or ways to show my love for Lee, but then I can't follow through because I get sick or don't have the strength. It pains me when we have to cancel or change plans because I am sick or don't have the strength. I feel like I am failing the one who is so dear to me. I also feel like I'm failing my doctors at National Jewish. I do everything, believe me, truly everything they ask or suggest and continue to get worse or have bad lab results. I try so hard to get better, to be well and I feel like I just keep failing. It's such an overwhelming and frustrating feeling.
Shew! Okay! I know in my head and even in my heart that I'm letting my frustrations overwhelm me. I'm letting exhaustion take over and losing sight of the real me. I've let myself be buried and almost lost sight of myself. It's okay. It is okay and it will be okay. I have a hope and a future. I DO know that this is and will be all for good. I know my life, the life I'm living right now is purposeful and incredible. I am a living, walking miracle and the love I feel daily is a priceless gift. I am thankful for everything about my now. I am me because of my journey and I am thankful.
I just need to remind myself that I'm human. I will fall to pieces from time to time. I will become overwhelmed and frustrated. I will lose sight of my optimism. I will fail. I will also get stronger and experience incredible miracles along the way.
Work - it's so hard to explain what teaching means to me. It's so much more than a job or even a career - it's my purpose and my passion. When I had to go on medical leave and had to face the possibility of not being able to continue my days in the classroom covered in germs, ideas, and hugs, I was devastated. It made me even more determined and more passionate about my work. Now that I'm back at it, it is truly wonderful - a wonderful dream come true. The crushing factor is that I've started over in a new state, in a new school, with new everything. I had to give up my team, my reputation, my support system, my experience, and in some ways - my success to come to Colorado and fight for my health. It was the right decision. I would do it all over again. That doesn't make it any easier. The effort that it takes my body and my spirit to fight through each work day astonishes me. It completely frustrates me. It's only by the grace of God that I make it through. By noon (& sometimes way before) I feel like my body is crumbling in on me. The pain in my bones, lungs, and muscles brings me to tears when I can steal a free moment. The worry that consumes me (a non-worrier) is ridiculous. I fear having to be absent when I don't have sick days. I fear seeming incompetent. I fear seeming annoying and weak to colleagues and families who don't know my fight. I fear being a burden to people who hardly know me. Most of all, I fear not being able to give my students all they deserve.
Friends - this is a biggie. I have never felt as sad as I have this year. It is almost like I've been grieving the loss of my friends. I feel so alone at times. I honestly don't know what I'd do without Lee. He truly is my best friend. He is my rock. I see him texting, talking to, and making plans with his friends and I long to have that again. I understand that it's tough to maintain a long distance friendship. I also understand that it's tough to open a comfortable friendship circle to new people. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make me miss friends any less.
Money - this one is obvious...insurance out of pocket, prescriptions, lost pay from missing days at work. It's all part of it. I've dealt with it for years. I suppose it's normal though if just once in a while I wish I could spend all that money on something else.
Failure - I'm a new wife and I'm lacking in so many ways. My heart hurts because I am constantly thinking of wonderful surprises or ways to show my love for Lee, but then I can't follow through because I get sick or don't have the strength. It pains me when we have to cancel or change plans because I am sick or don't have the strength. I feel like I am failing the one who is so dear to me. I also feel like I'm failing my doctors at National Jewish. I do everything, believe me, truly everything they ask or suggest and continue to get worse or have bad lab results. I try so hard to get better, to be well and I feel like I just keep failing. It's such an overwhelming and frustrating feeling.
Shew! Okay! I know in my head and even in my heart that I'm letting my frustrations overwhelm me. I'm letting exhaustion take over and losing sight of the real me. I've let myself be buried and almost lost sight of myself. It's okay. It is okay and it will be okay. I have a hope and a future. I DO know that this is and will be all for good. I know my life, the life I'm living right now is purposeful and incredible. I am a living, walking miracle and the love I feel daily is a priceless gift. I am thankful for everything about my now. I am me because of my journey and I am thankful.
I just need to remind myself that I'm human. I will fall to pieces from time to time. I will become overwhelmed and frustrated. I will lose sight of my optimism. I will fail. I will also get stronger and experience incredible miracles along the way.
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