Methotrexate
This is the one and only medicine that I fear and hate more than prednisone. I've heard great stories about success rates with methotrexate since my journey in the autoimmune world began. When Dr. Wechsler suggested it back in the spring, I was more than happy to give it a try. The imuran did not seem to be doing it's job, so it seemed reasonable to try something that I'd heard such great things about.
OMG!
The first trial run was quite a bust. I was so sick! I was vomiting, feverish, exhausted, developed nasty sores in my mouth and all out miserable. Dr. Olson quickly stopped the medication and within about a week the side effects had subsided. Since then, my condition has not improved and we weren't any closer to better options. Dr. Wechsler and Dr. Olson (along with my consent) decided it would be worth it to try methotrexate again.
OMG!
I honestly was totally optimistic. I was just sure that my body would take to the medication more easily this time and the side effects would be less severe.
It was sooooooooooooooooooooo much worse. I absolutely LOST MY MIND. No kidding. I went into a deep purple haze that turned me into a completely different person. It was surreal, almost like an out of body experience. I could actually see myself reacting to situations and feeling things that I knew were not real or sensible. I couldn't control it at all. I was crying constantly - not a lot - not several times a day ----- I mean constantly. I was offended by facial expressions, comments, and even signs. I felt like I was being attacked from every direction. Inside, I knew something was seriously wrong, but I didn't know how to prove it to anyone. I felt complete insane and completely alone.
Carly, my VCD therapist at National Jewish was the first to truly listen to me. I broke down in front of her and pleaded for help. I bawled and squawled that something was seriously wrong with me. She thankfully had met with me enough times to recognize my need. She got me to Dr. Olson's nurses and we started to solve the mystery. My purple haze was a terrible side effect from the methotrexate. We stopped the treatment immediately and after several more days I finally felt the haze lifting. They vowed as a team that we would never try methotrexate again. I'm so thankful that it has saved so many lives, but I felt like it was destroying mine.
I must say, this experience made me so much more sympathetic toward people who are naturally more emotional and reactive. What an exhausting roller coaster it must feel like they are riding from day to day. I am so very thankful that the purple haze is gone. I can guarantee that I will never try methotrexate again. That medication is not for me.
