A Tough Start

It's hard to describe how it feels when something you love, something that's part of you becomes a daily challenge. Of all my experiences, I can easily pinpoint one of the hardest to deserting my career & going on medical leave back in February. I truly thought about my job and students daily even after their last day of school. I missed the victories of students experiencing success, the challenges of finding tailor made ways to meet needs, the comoradery among coworkers, even the early & late hours of the behind the scenes work. I've truly missed it.

That's why when I got the great news my doctors would support me trying the classroom again, followed by a dream job opportunity at a nearby school, I was stoked! I couldn't have been happier. I was brimming with excitement and new ideas for changing little lives!

Reality quickly set in. It's clear my body is going to be my number one enemy. Sadly, this has been the most difficult start to a new year I've ever had. It's almost like having my heart gouged out with a spoon. Mentally I'm excited & the old me. I'm a teacher again. I'm filled with joy! Ideas are constantly popping in my head and I'm anxious to implement them. Physically I'm beyond exhausted. I often feel as though I won't make it through the day. I'm mustering every ounce of strength i have to make it to 3:45. I feel like a failure because I simply can't give my students everything I mentally know would be best for them. It's unacceptable, heartbreaking, even crushing. My body is failing me and I don't know how to handle it.

I still believe things are going to change. I still hope the miracle answers are right around the corner. I still believe I'm going to win this battle on my terms. It's just not in my nature to quit, but it's getting too hard to push through. Something needs to change.

I don't want to doubt that I'm giving all my best to these kiddos!

I hoped these days were behind me

Oh, how I'd hoped. :(
Not yet though. I have to realize I'm still a work in progress & my body and doctors really are doing all they can do. 
I have to believe there's still hope! 

Yep, it happened. I'm back in the hospital. I've been teaching again for a whopping 2-3 weeks & caught a virus that won almost immediately. I can't help but be completely frustrated and disappointed. I thought all the time on medical leave would make me stronger... Give my body the rest it needed to better handle this world of 6 & 7 year olds that I cherish so. 

Here I am though. Back in Rose. IVs, high doses of steroids, antibiotics ~ the whole blasted shebang. I feel so helpless at times. All I want is to work & stop hurting my loved ones with this ridiculous cycle. 

I have to focus on the bright side. That's how I'll get through for now. I have people in my life who love me and doctors who care. There's also hope that this will be a short stay because Dr. Olson admitted me as soon as home meds became ineffective. These are things I can hold onto and be thankful for. 



so thankful...