muscle cramps oh my!

My body certainly has a way of throwing curveballs. Just as things are improving with my breathing and my doctors are on course to figure out the syncope problem ~ another symptom starts screaming for attention. I've noticed for the last month that my previously tolerable muscle cramps have been worsening. Crystal, my PT, and Dr. Fenster both have suggested possible remedies for the problem. I've been through each (potassium, magnesium, quinine) only to notice the muscle cramps continue to worsen.

This week has been the worst. Wednesday at rehab, after only a couple of reps on the pilates bench, my calf started cramping again. Crystal started massaging that muscle and the chain reaction started again. Next, the muscles in my side were pulling, then the other muscles in both legs, and on to my arms and back. It was so severe that one of the other PTs tried a procedure called needling. As she inserted the needles into my cramping calf muscle everything seemed to intensify. Apparently this isn't how the muscles are supposed to react to this procedure. She quickly removed the needles as the spasms were unrelenting all over my body. They asked me to stand in hopes of stretching some of the muscles and relieving the pain. As soon as I stood up I felt a flush of heat & nausea rush through me. The room started to blacken and before I could react I was out. When I came to, Crystal was standing over me with intense concern in her eyes. She insisted that it was time to call Dr. Olson.

Rehab wasn't much better Today. The spasms have been almost nonstop creating very achy, sore muscles. It's getting harder to handle and ignore. Dr. Olson called this afternoon to let me know she's ordered labs and is scheduling an appointment with Dr. Maleki. She seems to think it's mostly likely related to the Churg Strauss or something else rheumatalogical. For now, I'm supposed to stop all exercise and limit physical activity as much as possible. Hopefully they'll have an answer for me soon.

Uh~uh, that has to be wrong???

Today was one of those days that I just wasn't prepared for what the doctor would tell me.

"You have seizure disorder."

What?! I was so confused. I've been having seizures??? How crazy is that?! I didn't even know how to respond. I was honestly relieved to have a diagnosis that could be treated, but so perplexed at the same time.

Dr. Round had reviewed the EEG and says it is clear that I have seizure disorder. He believes it is the source of my syncope and blurry vision episodes. He also believes it is connected to the Churg Strauss. The great news is that he believes Keppra (an anti-seizure medicine) will be the perfect solution. I'll start the new meds tomorrow and should notice improvement within the next couple of weeks.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?
Seriously?

I know I'm strong. And I know it's because of the Grace of God. I know my life is a gift and God does have a plan for me. I know I have outstanding doctors fighting for me daily. I also know I have a huge cast of family, friends, and even strangers praying for me constantly. What I don't understand, is what is truly wrong with me? Throughout this journey, I've never really been one to ask why or to look back in anger. That's sincere. I believe I am me because of my journey and experiences. I really wouldn't change things. What's bothering me now is not the big picture or the daily pain or trials... it's me. Why does my body react the way it does? I really want to know what's wrong with me?

I was told my IQ a long time ago. I know I'm an intelligent person. I can't stand the way I feel like a total idiot when a doctor asks me why I'm losing weight. I don't have an answer. I eat. That's the truth. I eat everything the nutritionist has asked me to eat. I don't know what's wrong with me?? I don't know why I can walk up and down the isles of the grocery store and not find a single thing that looks enticing even when I'm hungry. I don't have an answer. But I know that even though I have no interest, I do the right thing. I eat.

I also don't know why my body continues to be so weak when I take every medicine, go to every appointment, and push myself to exercise daily. I don't know why it seems that when one problem gets under control a new problem surfaces. I just don't know the answers.

I do know that I'm tired, but somehow still hopeful. I know that for so long I've wanted people to be my friend and not be scared of me. I want people to be able to love me without having to constantly worry about my health.

This is one of those days that I'd just like to have some answers. I'm exhausted and for once I'd just like something to make sense.